JimFormation

Question #2 from the Whistle & Fish meme for one:

What is the weirdest fantasy you’ve ever had while (before or after) masturbating?

I’m married and vote Republican. I don’t masturbate.

Much.

And my fantasies are mostly about having sex with my wife. Seriously. I’ve been married for 20 years. For the last 10 years, I haven’t seen her naked. Now you understand the fantasy. (Cue wacka-wacka guitar.)

Speaking of masturbation, I have a question for you: Let’s say that you’re a guy. And you watch porn while you polish wood. And you get to that point – you know, the point of no return – la petite mort. And the director decides it’s the best time to cut from the Source of your pleasure, the woman …

… and to the man’s large, erect penis. Aaaarghh!

Too late, you’re done. You just finished to a close-up of a large, erect penis. Sorry, you might be gay.

I know. That’s weird.

Here’s something else that’s weird. The other day a couple in Canada were having weird sex when, as part of sex play, the woman plunged a knife into her lover’s chest. The knife pierced his heart. He almost died.

She said it was his idea. OF COURSE IT WAS HIS IDEA! The weird stuff is always his idea. Always.

I know I’ve my share of weird sexual ideas (though none have ever involved a knife in my chest). I’ll not describe them here, but the oddest thing my wife ever came up with was telling me it was okay to keep my socks on.

And did you catch this one a couple of months ago? Some guy in Pennsylvania duct taped his wife’s mouth shut, hooked an electrical cord to her nipples, and then plugged her into the wall.

She’s dead, of course.

He told the cops that he and his wife practiced “weird sexual behaviors.” And that they’d done this before and that he’d never killed her in the past. So he thought it was safe.

Again, I’m sure this was the guy’s idea. It had to be.

I cannot imagine me coming home from work one evening and being confronted by my topless wife holding a roll of duct tape and an extension cord, “Honey, I have an idea …”

Did you catch the part where he duct taped his wife’s mouth shut. This way he wouldn’t have to hear that annoying safe-word that often gets in the way of practicing “weird sexual behaviors.”

My wife utters our safe-word every evening as we walk upstairs to go to bed. “Rosebud! Rosebud! Rosebud!” I’m going to try his duct tape idea.

These kinds of things can only come from guys with a lot of mojo over their women. It’s the kind of mojo that I don’t have-but a lot of men do. For my money, the porn industry was born with and runs on this mojo.

Weird means “strikingly odd or unusual.” I’m going to do something that is going to get me into a bit of trouble. I’m going to let you peek into my bedroom and share with you my list of “strikingly odd or unusual” sexual behaviors:

1. Sex with the lights on;
2. Sex in the nude;
3. Sex before 10:15PM and after 10:45PM;
4. Sex in a room other than the bedroom;
5. Sex within one week of “that time of the month.”

Okay, I’m lying to make myself look good. “Weird sexual behaviors” for me is sex with a partner. There, I said it. Happy?

Which brings me to a story that I’ve told the story before. There are three types of sex in marriage:

There is Anywhere Sex. This is when you’re first married and generally last three or four years or until your first child is born. This is where you have sex anywhere and at any time. At this stage, you’ve probably had sex in the kitchen before breakfast and might even still have sex in the care a couple of times per month. These are good times.

And then there’s Bedroom Sex. This type of sex kicks in around year five, or shortly after the first child is born. You’re still having a lot of sex with your spouse, but it’s always in the bedroom. And almost always at night. In the later stages of Bedroom Sex, intercourse is by appointment only, as in the wife stating, “We can have sex tonight if we get in bed before 10:30.”

The final stage of sex in marriage is Hallway Sex. Hallway Sex starts somewhere between the tenth and fifteenth year of marriage. This type of sex includes very little foreplay and is characterized by the spouses seeing each other in the hallway and whispering, “Fuck you” to each other as they pass.