JimFormation

The other day I was at Wendy’s grabbing a quick lunch and I overheard these two guys in the booth behind me talking. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no idea if it really was Satan and the Pope, but it could’ve been.

I mean, the Beelzebub guy had a low, breathy voice that really carried. But the guy who I thought might’ve been Pope Benedict XVI had an Italian accent, even though Il Papa is German.

Who knows? Maybe someone could just be screwing with me. But here’s what I heard:

Devil
Listen, Bennie. I need your help. I got ten large on Detroit on Thanksgiving.

Pope
It’s a little late, Lou. The NFL season is already set. Detroit gets a goose-egg in the win column. I promised Matt Millen after he was fired before the Week 4 games.

Devil
C’mon. I haven’t called you much. I need you this time. Just remember who’s been keeping you stocked up with Black Tail magazine.

Pope
Hehehe. Thank you for that, Lou. But this is a tough one. I mean, I just helped you out with the in the World Series; I had Tampa Bay lined up to sweep the Phillies. I can’t believe you put money on Philadelphia in 5. Do you know how hard it is to deliver a bet like that?

And now you’re putting me in a tough spot again.

Devil
Listen, I got one of my boys on the Titans: Kerry Collins. If I can get him to throw a couple of interceptions in the first half, do you think you can take care of the rest?

Pope
You have Kerry Collins?

Devil
You didn’t know? An alcoholic quarterback who called his best wide receiver a “nigger” and another teammate a “spic”, is 36-years-old and back-doors into a starting gig on an NFL team that is undefeated, 10 and 0?

And you didn’t think he was one of my boys? I thought you were quicker that.

Pope
Sorry, Lou, I don’t know how I missed it.

Listen, I’ll see what I can do. I can’t make any promises.

But I’m worried about you. Are you sure you don’t have a gambling problem? I got some numbers. I can get you help.

Devil
Listen, Johnny. I’ve got everything under control. Besides, I don’t ask any questions when you ask me to stock you up with Viagra and sneak girls into the Vatican …

Pope
Shh … shh … yeh, yeh. Okay. Okay. I won’t bug you. Just keep the irls-gay stuff to yourself. All right?

By the way, thanks for sending Naomi Campbell up. What a sweet piece of “a”!

Devil
Yeh, I got her Soul right after she was arrested for tossing a phone at her assistant and threatening to toss her out of a moving car. It was easier than I thought.

Pope
Hey, did you catch me on the news the other day? They think I’m setting up “exorcism squads.”

Devil
Oh, man. You mean they’re still buying that crap? When are they going to realize that exorcisms are a sham? I don’t possess anyone anymore.

It’s just a three-man con gam. The ‘possessed’ is always in on it.

Hey, you never told me, where’d you get the kid from on the last one?

Pope
Oh, you know how it is. The Boss gets lots of prayers. He can’t handle them all and some filter down to me. He’s put me in charge of kids …

Devil
… man, and we are making a killing exorcising demons from kids!

Pope
Yeh, but we’re going to have to slow down. JC and the Boss are going to starting to ask questions.

Anyway, I usually just sub the kid’s prayers out, but I got wind of this kid who needs some cash. He’s saving for an X-Box 360.

So Father Armorth gets in touch with him and gives him the standard the instructions. You know, the cursing and flailing bit. The family gets in touch with me through their local diocese and, boom, we’re in business.

Devil
And I didn’t get my cut for that gig yet.

Pope
Yep. I know. I’m just waiting for the parent’s check to clear.

You’ve got $1,500 coming to you. I’m keeping a grand. The kid gets five cool Franklins for the song and dance.

Devil
I gotta tell you, I almost lost it when your boy tossed the tap water at the kid and yelled, “The power of Christ compels you!” Even though I was expecting it, it was so over-the-top I almost lost it.

Jesus, that’s always funny.

Pope
Yeh, I saw. I saw the podcast of it. Father Armorth almost lost it too. It looked like a Carol Burnett bit gone wrong. You as Harvey Korman and Armorth as Tim Conway.

Oh, but man, did you pull it off after that. You, Lou, are brilliant. A special effects master. It’s a show like that that gets you the big cut. Mighty impressive.

Have you ever thought of going Hollywood?

Devil
I’d like to … it’s always been a dream … but a couple of decades ago I had to sign a no-compete contract with Speilberg. I got his Soul and all, but had to drop my dream.

So I’m happy doing these exorcism gigs. And the odd natural disaster.

Pope
And the hauntings.

Devil
Nah. I haven’t done a haunting in years. I’ve contract that small shit out to people like John Edwards.

Pope
Christ, that guy got big.

Devil
He’s one of mine.

Pope
No kidding.

Anyway, I gotta run. Thanks for the Big Classic and fries. They were great.

And I want to give you a quick ‘heads up’. The Boss says he’s thinking about suing you for hijacking the Muslim religion.

Devil
He’s gonna sue me? From Heaven? Where’s he gonna get a lawyer?