Archive for July, 2009

Deaths You Might Have Missed

We’re just past the half-way point of 2009 and it has already been known as The Year Celebrity Deaths.  So far there have been a bunch of notables:

Ricardo Montalbon, Paul Harvey, Ron Silver, Natasha Richardson, Bea Arthur, Dom Deluise, David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, Karl Malden, Walter Cronkite, among others.

But here are some notable people that died in the first half of 2009 that you probably missed:

  • Pat Hingle, Commissioner Gordon from the Batman television show;
  • Bob May, The Robot from Lost In Space;
  • Clarence Swensen, A munchkin from the Wizard of Oz movie;
  • Altovise Davis, Sammy Davis Jr.’s wife and oft used punchline;
  • Dom DiMaggio, Pro baseball player and brother of Joe DiMaggio;
  • Wayne Allwine, voice of Mickey Mouse since 1977
  • Dallas McKennon, voice of Gumby.

Oh, and on February 27th, Alan Landers became the third cigarette company manly-man model to die of lung cancer. He was the “Winston Man”; the other two were “Marlboro Men.”

Pot and Kettle

Watch how I do this:

The United States army has carried out forced disappearances, acts of torture and illegal raids in pursuit of insurgents, according to documents and interviews with victims, their families, political leaders and human rights monitors.

All I did was substitute “United States” for “Mexican” and “insurgents” for “drug traffickers.”

Here is the original from the Washington Post.

The Mexican army has carried out forced disappearances, acts of torture and illegal raids in pursuit of drug traffickers, according to documents and interviews with victims, their families, political leaders and human rights monitors.

Neat trick, huh?

Oh. The United States is threatening to withhold up to $100 million of anti-narcotics assistance if Mexico doesn’t straighten out their act.

After all, we did.

Right?

Trouble In Paradise

I’m in trouble.

The other day, my birthday, I went to Brazilian Jiu-jitsu class at 8 o’clock. I didn’t get home until after midnight. A couple of the boys brought me out for some beers to celebrate.

My wife wasn’t happy about me coming in late. The next morning, I was still getting the cold shoulder.

At my next jiu-jitsu class one of my training partners, a Japanese guy, asked how things were going between me and my wife since I’d gotten home late and smelling of booze.

“Not so good. She’s not really talking to me,” I said.

“You need to make her feel special,” replied my Asian friend. “First, take a bath together. Wash each other. Take turns drying each other. Powder each other. Caress each other. Passionately make love, then at the peak of sexual excitement, STOP.  Get out of bed; eat some rice; drink some sake. Delay the moment of passion. She will be overcome with passion, and the rest of the evening will be the most passionate night of your lives.”

“You know, I think you’ve got something there! I’ll try it,” I told my friend.

When I got home my wife was already upstairs taking a shower. Perfect timing! I jumped in the shower with her.

“What the hell are you doing, you fat bastard?”

“I’m gonna bathe with you,” I said.

“Like hell you are, I barely fit in here by myse… What the hell are you doing now?”

“I’m washing you.”

“Don’t worry about me, wash yourself! Ouch! You’re ripping my skin off!”

“I’m drying you.”

“Get that damn towel out of my… COUGH! CHOKE! … What the hell are you doing now?”

“I’m powdering you,” I answered.

“Oh for crying out loud! If you’re horny, let’s just get into bed!”

We started making love, and just before the moment of climax, I jumped out of bed.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“I’m going to make you a turkey sandwich and bring you a beer.”

“Christ. You fuck like a Jap!”

Alright, I’ll be honest: Yes, my wife is upset with me because I went out drinking with a couple of friends while she was waiting for me at home. But I don’t have a Japanese friend who offered such sage advice. I do, however, like bathing with my wife. I don’t, as far as I know, “fuck like a Jap.”

The bulk of this story has been lifted from a joke Buddy Hackett told on his HBO special in 1983. I’ve waited this long to retell it.

Buddy Hackett died in 2003. Long live Buddy Hackett.