JimFormation

I’m in trouble.

The other day, my birthday, I went to Brazilian Jiu-jitsu class at 8 o’clock. I didn’t get home until after midnight. A couple of the boys brought me out for some beers to celebrate.

My wife wasn’t happy about me coming in late. The next morning, I was still getting the cold shoulder.

At my next jiu-jitsu class one of my training partners, a Japanese guy, asked how things were going between me and my wife since I’d gotten home late and smelling of booze.

“Not so good. She’s not really talking to me,” I said.

“You need to make her feel special,” replied my Asian friend. “First, take a bath together. Wash each other. Take turns drying each other. Powder each other. Caress each other. Passionately make love, then at the peak of sexual excitement, STOP.  Get out of bed; eat some rice; drink some sake. Delay the moment of passion. She will be overcome with passion, and the rest of the evening will be the most passionate night of your lives.”

“You know, I think you’ve got something there! I’ll try it,” I told my friend.

When I got home my wife was already upstairs taking a shower. Perfect timing! I jumped in the shower with her.

“What the hell are you doing, you fat bastard?”

“I’m gonna bathe with you,” I said.

“Like hell you are, I barely fit in here by myse… What the hell are you doing now?”

“I’m washing you.”

“Don’t worry about me, wash yourself! Ouch! You’re ripping my skin off!”

“I’m drying you.”

“Get that damn towel out of my… COUGH! CHOKE! … What the hell are you doing now?”

“I’m powdering you,” I answered.

“Oh for crying out loud! If you’re horny, let’s just get into bed!”

We started making love, and just before the moment of climax, I jumped out of bed.

“Where the hell are you going?”

“I’m going to make you a turkey sandwich and bring you a beer.”

“Christ. You fuck like a Jap!”

…

Alright, I’ll be honest: Yes, my wife is upset with me because I went out drinking with a couple of friends while she was waiting for me at home. But I don’t have a Japanese friend who offered such sage advice. I do, however, like bathing with my wife. I don’t, as far as I know, “fuck like a Jap.”

The bulk of this story has been lifted from a joke Buddy Hackett told on his HBO special in 1983. I’ve waited this long to retell it.

Buddy Hackett died in 2003. Long live Buddy Hackett.