JimFormation

By now we all know that Tiger Woods’s wife chased him out of the house with a golf club. As he was trying to leave she busted out the windows of his Cadillac Escalade. This resulted in Tiger bouncing his car off a fire hydrant, into a tree, and knocking him silly.

We all also know that Tiger’s wife went on this tirade because she discovered that he was having sex with other women without her permission. (Tiger probably didn’t seek her permission because he knew she’d say “Get the fuck out of here.” At least, that’s what my wife would say.)

Turns out that Tiger has been banging women that aren’t his wife since 2007 or so. Not surprisingly, that’s the year Mrs. Woods had her (and Tiger’s) first child.

Now the entire world knows Tiger Woods’ personal business. We know he enjoys the club scene. We know he enjoys, ahem, sexting (texting in a sexually indiscreet manner). We know he likes to shag floosies.

He likes a little strange on his hang-low.

This has me wondering, “Was it worth it?” And by “worth it”, I mean what it’s ultimately going to cost him financially. What will it cost Tiger Woods, per act, to have sex with women other than Mrs. Woods.

I’m going to assume that Tiger had sex with trollops and assorted comfort women on at least 78 occasions. Here’s my math:

1. Since 2007, Tiger Woods has played in 52 professional golf events. I’m going to assume he had a chickie-poo in half those events: 26.
2. Each golf event is 5-6 days long including practice rounds and Tiger will have to get a room for those nights. Let’s assume he has sex at least half those nights. I’m calling it: 3.
3. 3 sexual encounters at 26 events equals 78 sex acts.

Let’s assume that his marriage is going to end because of his indiscretions. His wife reportedly has a $300 million prenuptial agreement.

At that, it will have cost him $3.85 million per coital communication. ($300 million/78 sex acts = $3,846,153.80 per fuck).

But I’m not going to stop there. Tiger makes a cool $100 million per year in endorsements. I’m going to assume that he’s going to lose 10% of said endorsements. That’s $100,000,000 over ten years.

If I’m right, in 10 years it will have cost Mr. Woods $5.13 million dollars per roll under the hotel sheets. ($300 million prenup + $100 million dollars lost endorsement revenue / 78 sex acts = $5,128,205.10 per fuck.)

That’s my math. You can disagree and use your own figures if you’d like.

Regardless, I think we’d both agree that it would have been much cheaper for Tiger if he’d developed the unhealthy habit of snapping his zippy to cheap hotel porn.