Chances are you got to this page because you clicked the link on my Twitter profile page. Let me tell you a little bit about me. I joined Twitter on June 17, 2007. You might be thinking, “For someone who has been on Twitter for so long, you don’t have many followers.†There are several reasons for that:

  1. I’m not a celebrity;
  2. I don’t follow many people;
  3. I don’t automatically follow anyone who follows me;
  4. My self-promotion skills are incredibly lacking.

If you want me to follow you on Twitter, you need to fall into one of these categories:

  1. You need to be an honest-ta-goodness friend of mine or a family member;
  2. You need to be a celebrity or a pseudo-celebrity that I find interesting;
  3. You need to be an organization that doles out information that I find useful, or;
  4. You simply need to engage me — respond to one of my Tweets, ask me to follow you, anything.

I will not follow you just because you follow me. There’s a practical reason for this: I read every Tweet from every person I follow. I can’t follow a lot of people because, frankly, I’m not a very fast reader.

Okay, a little about me personally: I’m getting old. As I write this, I’m in my 47th year on the planet. Way too old to be Tweeting.

I have been married (to the same woman) for 23 years. We have three children. They are triplets — ages 20, 14, 7. (C’mon. It’s a joke. How can they be triplets?) But if you do the math you’ll realize that my wife will only have sex with me every 6 to 7 years. (Okay, that’s a joke too. We don’t make a baby every time we have sex — maybe every other time.)

By-and-large, I’m just your average middle-aging husband and dad. I work for a living and do my damnedest to provide for my family. The only things I take seriously are the things I need to take seriously.

I live at the Jersey Shore. I’ve been here most of my life. No doubt, I’ll die here. I’m not afraid of dying. I just don’t want to do it any time soon. I want a clown to make balloon hats at my funeral.

I’m a serious student of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

You may wonder what I Tweet about. Here is an incomplete list:

  • The weather (because it’s a rule);
  • Stupid people (that means much of my stuff is autobiographical);
  • Anything with a curse in it (cursing is fun when the kids aren’t around — so is spitting and drinking);
  • I’ll Live Tweet old movie;
  • I complain about the Yankees during baseball season (unless they win the World Series);
  • I crack-wise (because, seriously, that’s what Twitter is for);
  • I comment on the news (because no one does that on Twitter);
  • I link to things I think are interesting (including a photo that I don’t quite understand almost every evening);
  • I talk to friends (yes, I know that’s why they make instant messengers);
  • I celebrate personal accomplishments (because, as my Nan always told me, “Self praise stinks!â€);
  • And mourn the deaths of long-forgotten celebrities (because I want long-forgotten celebrities to mourn me when I pass).

If you find any of these things interesting, go ahead and follow me. If you don’t, follow at your own risk.

My personal interests include (but are not limited to):

  • Sex with my wife;
  • Golf;
  • Brazilian Jiu-jitsu;
  • Taking photographs;
  • Reading, writing (I leave arithmetic to my friend, @dbthompson);
  • Design (though I’m a design hack);
  • Early American history (Revolutionary War, Constitutional Convention, etc.);
  • Political philosophy;
  • The teachings of Jesus (though not necessarily Christianity);
  • The Yankees;
  • The New York Giants;
  • The Islanders;
  • Most of the prime-time shows and specials on the Discovery Channel;
  • Alton Brown’s “Good Eatsâ€;
  • Alfred Hitchcock, the Marx Brothers, and the Our Gang films;
  • Foghorn Leghorn;
  • The Atlantic Ocean and the Barnegat Bay;
  • And other stuff.

Among my favorite authors are:

  • Robert Fulghum;
  • HL Mencken;
  • PJ O’Rourke;
  • EB White;
  • AA Milne;
  • and anyone else with two initials instead of a first name.

I enjoy music, except for most anything that’s popular these days. And disco (the worst song ever is “Fly Robin Fly.â€) I play the guitar poorly.

I have a blog where I’m not constrained to Twitter’s 140 characters. You should check it out.

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