The MRI, My Testicles, and Me
I m still having problems with the ankle I had surgically repaired six-months ago. The doctor thinks I have a bone spur in the joint or a loose piece of bone or cartilage floating around in there. This little piece of something makes the joint unstable and often very painful. Rarely can I flex my ankle past 90 degrees without some sort of pain; sometimes the pain is so severe it drops me to my knees.
I had an MRI of the bum-ankle yesterday.
An MRI scanner, if you don t know, is something like a super-duper CAT scan machine. Only instead of x-rays, it uses powerful magnets to electronically dissect your body. The magnets are very, very powerful. Some are four times stronger than the Earth s magnetic field. Powerful.
I d never had an MRI before, but knew what to expect. They shove you in a big, loud machine for a longer time than is comfortable and give you just enough information before-hand to make you nervous.
They ask you if you have any metal in, on, or around your body. They make you empty your pockets. They ask you vague questions like Have you ever worked in a place where metal shavings might have gotten in your eye? and Do you have any shrapnel in your body? You detail your surgeries. Etc. Etc.
So I m sitting in the belly of the machine and the whirring-clanking-banging begins. I m calm until well, I feel something all over my lower body. It s difficult to describe the feeling. It s sort of static-wind that resonates around the parts of your body that is in the machine.
The static wind hits a very specific, delicate part of my anatomy. Did it move? Did I feel a tug? Is it my imagination?
OH-NO! I shout in my head. I had a vasectomy. I didn t tell them I had a vasectomy! Maybe there are metal clips in there holding the tubes shut. Maybe the clips will pull out of me and fly across Oh. No. Wait; don t be silly, Jim. If there are clips, they re made of titanium or some other non-magnetic surgical metal. Surgical steel! Is surgical steel magnetic? It is steel. Still is magnetic, right? Oh-no. Is that a tug? Shit.
I spent the next half-hour in that machine intensely concentrating on every feeling and subtle movement of my leftt testicle (they move girls; on their own; we have nothing to do with it; no, it s not something to be afraid of). I left exhausted, but with testicles intact.
Thank God. Or whoever invented the non-magnetic surgical clip.
30 December, 2005 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (6)
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Poke Her
Our Hero (me) is at the kitchen island playing online poker on his laptop. He says aloud, but to himself:
I m short-stacked.
Our Hero s wife, while doing routine chores, responds:
I never complained.
HEY!
29 December, 2005 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (2)
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Growing Out of Our Clothes
The young lady I share an office with held up the newspaper. Do you believe that they put this on the front cover? There, among a collage of photographs, was a chubby girl with her belly hanging out.
She didn t expect my answer: You did it. Not me.
I did it?
Yes. You and your ilk. I ve seen you wear those hip-hugging pants and oh-too-short tops. You spend half of your day pulling at the bottom of your shirt trying to cover your belly It s not even your belly that you are trying to cover. It s the area below your belly!
Yeh, but I m not fat, she retorted.
No, but your clothes don t fit.
When you bend over and the world can see your underwear, your clothes don t fit. Or you re a plumber.
My clothes do fit. It s the style
and that s my point. It is the style, and you and your cronies have accepted it and made it okay for people not to fit in their clothes. It doesn t matter if you re fat or skinny you are all wearing clothes that don t fit.
It s not that I m prudish, far from it. Show some skin; I like skin. Just wear clothes that fit.
You look poor.
27 December, 2005 posted in My Philospophy (more or less) | Comments (3)
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Another Work Conversation
She pulls the gift from the bag. It s a tart warmer, exclaimed she.
Oh. I usually just give them mittens, said I.
(If you don t know what a tart warmer is click here .)
23 December, 2005 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (2)
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Troubles at Work
I once went to a Sexual Harrassment seminar. Half-way through I leaned over to the woman next to me and whispered, I think they re against it.
That said go read Sean s, Let your fingers do the walking . Go ahead. It s a comic. You can handle it.
(Editor s Note to a Personal Friend: Rich, I think you might be having the same problems at work.)
23 December, 2005 posted in Miscellany | Comments (0)
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For What It s Worth
Ray quit. Again.
I anxiously await his return.
The King is dead; long live the King.
(It s my website. I ll write what I want.)
22 December, 2005 posted in Internet Stuff | Comments (2)
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Your Christmas Card
The giving and receiving of Christmas cards is a girl-thing.
Before I was married I never sent anyone a Christmas card. Never considered it. To this day, I don t follow the Christmas card action. I don t know a guy (well, maybe one Hi JT!) who does.
Now I, in the form of the Wife-beast, send out Christmas cards every year. In this event, I have two responsibilities: report to her the addresses of my friends so that I can send them Christmas cards and comment on the design of this year s cards that I m sending out (the only comment I can make without repercussions is Now that s nice. I d like to get a card like that. All else is folly.).
Dear Friends, I ve never sent you a Christmas card and don t know if you have ever sent me one.
Never-the-less, I hope you got my card and it made you smile. Oh, and before I forget, thank you for your card.
Merry Christmas.
22 December, 2005 posted in My Philospophy (more or less) | Comments (0)
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Of Boys, Swords, and Balloon Puppies
Yesterday my wife volunteered to make balloon animals at a Christmas party for the local Head Start . There were over 50 children between 3 and 5 years old. Her plan was to make one type of balloon animal for all this kids.
They could pick their own color but limiting them to one animal, she figured, would stop any arguments and hurt feelings kids might have when they didn t get the animal they wanted (or thought they wanted).
Balloon puppies only. Smart plan.
Many of the boys wanted swords, she told me afterwards.
Did you make them swords? I asked.
No. I made them puppies.
Did they have sword fights with the puppies?
Of course they did.
15 December, 2005 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (1)
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Google Earth
Download and be amazed.
12 December, 2005 posted in Internet Stuff | Comments (1)
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Of Babies and Men
When commenting on pregnancy, labor, and delivery, you will often hear women say:
If men had to go through all that, there would be no babies .
But there is a corollary that I often counter with:
If men knew that their wives were going to stop having sex with them because they are too tired from taking care of the children all day, there would be no babies !
11 December, 2005 posted in My Philospophy (more or less) | Comments (1)
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Money Can t Buy You Happiness
but I wouldn t mind being known as the melancholy guy who drives the Viper.
07 December, 2005 posted in Miscellany | Comments (1)
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