The Lamp Upstairs
Dad Asked Me to Take Pictures Again
31 January, 2006 posted in JimAgination (Pictures and Such)
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Another Difference Between Men and Women
Scene: Evening. Wife-beast in one leather recliner on laptop; your host in the other recliner completing a phone conversation with Unky Rich.
Me (talking into phone): Okay, good night. I ll talk to you tomorrow. (Hangs up phone.)Wife-beast (nonchalant):
Who s Chris?Me:
I don t know what you re talking about.Wife-beast:
You told Rich that you can t believe that Chris made fun of how much you weigh. Who is she?Me (confused):
I don t know any Chris.Wife-beast:
Apparently you do. You were talking to Rich about her.Me (still confused):
Take me back in the conversation a little bit. In what context did I talk about Chris?Wife-beast:
Don t act dumb. You were talking about a Chris, one you and Rich apparently know very well, and how she was teasing you.Me (the Aha! moment):
Chris is Rich s brother! He s a half-a-foot taller than I am and I almost weigh the same as him. He laughed at me. There s no girl Chris.Wife-beast (returns to typing away):
Hmf.Me:
Are you embarrassed? Ashamed?Wife-beast:
No.
29 January, 2006 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (1)
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Hamland Security
Reid has written a bit exposing the preposterousness of a particular (and pecular) Homeland Security venture near his home it was mentioned in at least two Atlanta websites. In a nutshell, a Homeland Security agent was assigned to a small time demonstration of people who don t eat meat protesting a place that sells ham.
I suggest you go read the piece .
What Reid doesn t put together is the absurdity of a portion of the newspaper article he quotes. Paraphrasing: One of the ham protestors noticed that someone (the Homeland Security nitwit) was taking long range photographs of the group. She did what any good citizen would do during an ELEVATED Homeland Security threat level; she took down his license plate information in order to report the unusual behavior to the authorities.
She was arrested by this idiot for doing so.
Let me state plainly my concerns:
One, the idiot got caught spying. If it weren t ham protestors that he was spying on, but al Qaeda operatives they would not have done anything remotely terroristic. The guy should be fired but then again maybe he s the bumbling moron of the squad and, hence, was assigned ham protest duty so that he wouldn t fuck up something important.
Two, a woman got arrested by Homeland Security for doing what Homeland Security recommends that we do! According to the Department of Homeland Security , we citizens should Provide Tips and Leads about Suspicious Activity.
There is very little more suspicious (and silly) than a man skulking around and taking photographs of ham protestors.
But I may be wrong. Zack points out in Reid s comments that Islamist fundamentalists don t like ham and would likely protest ham, too. Perhaps they were Islamofascists. Hmmm
28 January, 2006 posted in In the News | Comments (0)
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On Socks
We all have the missing sock experience. We pull the clothes out of the dryer and notice that one of our socks is missing a mate.
I have a new theory, thanks to Robert Fulghum s friend:
Dryers don t eat socks; they use dryer lint to make new ones.
28 January, 2006 posted in My Philospophy (more or less) | Comments (1)
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The Next Big Thing
Oh. My.
On December 17, 2005, Nikolay Valuev won the World Boxing Association s Heavyweight championship belt. He is 7 2 tall (for you Canadians, that s about 60m, give or take a cm) and 330 pounds (about 10kg, again, for you Canadians). Every photograph you see of him looks like the photographer is forcing the perspective to make him look bigger.
He s that large.
He scares me.
About Nikolay Valuev in his own words .
Hey look! There s Don King with Valuev . I wouldn t have guessed.
Image Gallery 7 pages.
27 January, 2006 posted in In the News | Comments (7)
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Eggmanland
Welcome to Eggmanland
Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog s eye.
Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,
Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen .
25 January, 2006 posted in Internet Stuff | Comments (1)
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Four
I ve been tagged by a friend to participate in a meme. I usually don t do this, but let s go:
Four jobs you have had in your life:
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Busboy
My first real job. I was 16 years old. A couple of high school buddies got me the gig.
I almost quit the first day when the owner, Jimmy the Weasel, held the guy I was replacing against the wall by the neck. I swear his feet weren t touching the ground. I told you not to steal from the waitresses. You re fired.
Welcome to the world of employment.
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Traction Orderly
I d already had a couple of jobs in the hospital: Dietary Worker (including the dreaded Late Pots ) and Transportation Orderly. This was a step up. An invitation to the real world of medicine.
I assisted doctors with all sorts of things: Putting patients in casts, inserting Steinmen pins into patient s tibias and nails in their skulls for halo braces. Some orthopedic doctors liked me and the work I did so much that they d call me down into the Emergency Room to help them transport people with broken necks or apply traction as they manipulated dislocated joints into place.
I met my wife when working this job.
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Warehouse Manager
My first job after graduating from college. I set-up and ran a small, homecare equipment warehouse where we also made custom wheelchairs. It was a cool gig and I took it because I figured I d need management experience as I started my career.
I set up and ran a very efficient operation. So efficient that after around 11 o clock in the morning I had very little left to do. My management techniques included the Demerit Board. The Demerit Board was a chalk board with every employees name on it and every time someone screwed up, he got a demerit. Even me. The guy with the most demerits bought the beer on Friday.
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Director of Therapy Operations
This is what I do now. I run three sub-acute rehab programs in three buildings.
Four movies you would watch over and over again:
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The In-Laws
The first one. Not the recent embarrassing remake.
This movie doesn t tell you where to laugh. If you don t know what s funny, you won t get this movie.
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Apocalypse Now!
To me this isn t a war movie. It just happens to be set in a war.
It s a movie about what happens when society falls apart. Chaos. Confusion. Insanity.
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Jaws
I didn t even take a bath for two years after seeing this movie as a kid.
I recently showed it to my 14 year old daughter. Afterwards I asked her, Are you afraid to go to the ocean now? She answered, Why? Times have changed.
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Evil Alien Conquerors
I ve only seen it one-and-a-half times. It s awful. It s so bad it s great. I need to see it a few more times to pick up it s nuances.
Four places you have lived:
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The Corner of Bellwood and Overlook
It s the first house I remember.
I had an underground fort in the back and a Playboy magazine in the crawlspace. My parent s didn t know of either.
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Cedar Grove Road, Part I
Shortly after my parent s broke up, my maternal grandparents took me in. I lived there from about eight to 24 years old.
My Pop bought the house from his sister s husband for a dollar. I know. I saw the original deed.
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Alabama Avenue
This is the first house I bought. The Wife-beast and I planned on keeping it for about five years. We stayed there almost 15. Hell, the neighbors were great. The schools were better.
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Cedar Grove Road, Part II
I bought the house after Nan and Pop died. We did major renovations to it: stripped it down to it s studs, knocked off the back end of it, and rebuilt it with an addition. It s the only new 100-year-old house you ve ever seen.
There s not a day goes by where I don t say to the Wife-beast, I love this house.
An aside: Where I used to sit to eat supper is now a toilet. My old bedroom is now a bathroom; where my pillow used to be is another - you guessed it - toilet. Says something, doesn t it?
Four TV shows you love to watch:
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Mythbusters
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Dirty Jobs
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Good Eats
- Monster Garage
Four places you have been on vacation:
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The Islands
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The Golf Course
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My Living Room
- Disney
Four web-sites I visit daily:
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CausticSense.ca
- The asshole closed shop. Going there every day is half the fun.
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Photodude
- As far as I m concerned, it s the best personal website on the net. (Reid s going to call me a weanie.)
- Google News
- Sirius - I have to go there because I listen to online music via my Sirius subscription. Good stuff. If you haven t subscribed, you should. Seriously.
Four of my favorite foods:
- French Fries
- Vanilla Ice Cream
- Fruit Salad (prefers canned)
- Anything coming out of a New York City street vendor s wagon
Four places Id rather be right now:
- Under the covers, cuddling with my wife
- Any golf course
- Work - finishing something
- Hanging somewhere with Unky Rich and a Guiness - making fun of life
Four victims for this meme:
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Ray
- He of the aforementioned CausticSense - continuing my own personal joke
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His brother,
Randy
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Ryan
- Check out his new site
- Tangerine - I know you re out there!
22 January, 2006 posted in About Me | Comments (2)
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Whore You?
My friend, Randy, is asking for donations . He wants to buy a new camera lense.
This is a guy who, via his website, does good for a lot of people: he organizes fund drives so that people in rural China can have farm animals. According to Randy, it s a big deal for them.
A new lense would be a big deal for Randy.
So I donated $5US. I m hoping to get it back though. You see there s a caviate to sending him cash, in his own words:
Ill accept any kind of web site, except those promoting pornography, hatred, violence, racism, or anything else I deem inappropriate. The decision is mine alone. Money will be refunded to buyers whose sites I deem unsuitable.
JimFormation may be unsuitable did you read what I wrote yesterday ? What a hoot.
If so moved, toss a couple of bucks Randy s way. He is, afterall, a poor white guy living in Hong Kong. And you aren t.
21 January, 2006 posted in Internet Stuff | Comments (1)
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If You See Kay
It was reported to me that the word fuck comes from a time when Britian was having a population shortage and one king or another wanted to increase the population of the kingdom. Fornicate Under the Command of the King, he commanded. F.U.C.K.
This, however, is wrong.
I ve also heard that fuck is an acronym for Forced Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. A term that was emblazoned onto rapists as punishment.
This also is untrue.
Fuck may have come from the German words ficken or fucken which mean to punch or penetrate. It may even be word twisted from the Latin futuere which was slang for intercourse. But I think fuck comes from the Scandanavian word fokken which means to breed cattle.
Googling the word fuck produced 22.6 million hits. I didn t check all of them.
I forgot to check Wikipedia when looking up the origins of the word fuck. I hope they agree with me, because the Wikipedia is now the source for all knowledge in the known universe.
While doing research for that little bit I learned that 61% of men in one study or another had sex with a woman they didn t like. My guess is that most of them were having sex with their wives.
Sperm 1: How much farther to the fallopian tubes?
Sperm 2: A long ways. We ve only just passed the tonsils.
According to kamasutra-sex.org :
The ancient Hindus believed that life had three purposes: religious piety (dharma), material success (artha), and sexual pleasure (kama). All three were equal, and the erotic was celebrated as the seat of earthly beauty. In the Hindu world the pursuit of sexual pleasure was revered as a sort of religious quest.
For the sake of The Holy, I m considering changing religions. Or perhaps I already have and hadn t noticed.
According to The Kinsey Institute there is a continuum of homosexuality (source: Indiana.edu ):
- Exclusively heterosexual with no homosexual
- Predominantly heterosexual, only incidentally homosexual
- Predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual
- Equally heterosexual and homosexual
- Predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual
- Predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual
- Exclusively homosexual
I ve often wondered about this. I mean, if you re a guy and you think Brad Pitt is particularly cute, that s a little gay.
Threesomes are all the rage now, right? I think those guy-guy-girl ones are a little gay too.
And what if you pick up a woman in a bar and are getting orally pleasured by her in the parking lot and you give her the obligatory reach-around and you find a package? You just got oral from a guy. That s gay. (Maybe that s what the people at the Kinsey Institute describe as incidentally gay, I dunno.)
In the United States the word fanny means buttocks and might be used as a euphamism for said buttocks when talking with children. But in the United Kingdom it s a vulgar word for vagina.
In the previous sentance I almost wrote the term female vagina. As if there s a guy out there who has one. I know that some men are pussies but I can t imagine a scenario where one is an integral part of his physical being.
The term mother-fucker has Oedipal overtones but is not based on one having intercourse with one s mother. Instead it is derived from American slave owners raping a slave s mother.
Hamlet: Lady, shall I lie in your lap?Ophelia:
No, my lord.Hamlet:
I mean, my head upon your lap?Ophelia:
Ay, my lord.Hamlet:
Do you think I meant count ry matters?Ophelia:
I think nothing, my lord.Hamlet:
That s a fair thought to lie between maids legs.
That s Shakespeare using the c-word. Certainly it is. He s playing with us. He s playing with words. It s funny. I think.
I ve heard some starting to use the phrase cunty to describe a person who is slightly south of bitchy.
Finally I leave you with a joke (I started with one in the title, I m not sure if you got it). Good luck trying to figure it out:
I ve invested in coffee.That s funny. I don t see you in coffee; I see you in tea.
20 January, 2006 posted in Miscellany | Comments (3)
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Blonde Joke
Funny blonde joke here . It s good even if you aren t blonde.
15 January, 2006 posted in Miscellany | Comments (3)
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Digital Verses Film Redux
Some brainiac at IBM says that our burned CDs (aka 100s of digital photographs of my children) are only going to last two to five years . We have shoe boxes filled with family photographs and negatives that date back to the 30s and 40s sure they degrade but I still swoon when I see photographs of my 20-year-old grandmother.
I m going back to film.
12 January, 2006 posted in In the News | Comments (5)
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Hellfire and Brimstone
Nobody likes a farting television preacher more than me.
If you DON T laugh, there s something wrong with you.
If you DO laugh, there s even more wrong with you.
06 January, 2006 posted in Miscellany | Comments (4)
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New Jersey. What?
The Big Wigs in Trenton wanted a new state slogan. Apparently, New Jersey and You. Perfect Together , our motto for the better part of a quarter-century is no longer any good. Worn out.
So we, the Citizen of New Jersey, doled out a cool $260,000 to Lippincott Mercer (LM). LM is a marketing/branding company. Their clients include Coca-Cola, CitiBank, BMW, Chevrolet, Hertz, Jeep, Chuck E. Cheese, Dairy Queen, Keebler, Kelloggs, Nabisco, Domino s Pizza, ExxonMobil, NBC, Sony Music, Walt Disney, AOL, Lucent, Motorola, Xerox, Johnson & Johnson I m out of breath
Anyway, we gave them a quarter-million dollars. Do you know what they came up with?
New Jersey. We ll Win You Over.
So bad, so negative did we, the joint Citizenry, think this slogan was that the day before Governor Codey was going to unveil it, it was dropped. THE DAY BEFORE! The doofi in Trenton didn t realize it sucked until it was leaked and we had to tell them it sucked.
Governor Codey has a new plan. He s called for us, the Great Unwashed, to come up with some slogans. His crack committee chose five that they thought were best. Now we get to vote on them.
The governor is shrewd. He s put himself in a position to say, I didn t come up with the new slogan. You, the Outspoken, did.
Bullshit.
Here are the five that are being voted on:
1. New Jersey, Expect the Unexpected
2. New Jersey, Love at First Sight
3. New Jersey, Come See For Yourself
4. New Jersey, The Real Deal
5. New Jersey, The Best Kept Secret
All crap. I think.
I came up with a few (13, because we were the thirteen colony) at lunch today that I thought were at least as good:
1. New Jersey. We buried Hoffa.
2. New Jersey. What exit?
3. New Jersey. Only 25-cents per mile.
4. New Jersey. Not as bad as it smells.
5. New Jersey. Home of two New York football teams.
6. New Jersey. Okay you saw it, now get out.
7. New Jersey. Cranberries.
8. New Jersey. More old people than Florida.
9. New Jersey. What are you lookin at?
10. New Jersey. I don t have a problem. Do you have a problem?
11. New Jersey. Ever hear of Bon Jovi?
12. New Jersey. The Warehouse State.
13. New Jersey. The Jughandle State.
Okay. They were all jokes. Except for maybe #3.
I did come up with another that New Jersey could really run with. If you think it s crap, call it crap and move on. I like it:
New Jersey. We ve Got Yours.
Now stick with me. It s a whole campaign. New Jersey has everything from beaches to mountains to forests to gambling and theatre. We have a lot of stuff. Stuff you you might not find so close together anywhere else.
So each poster and advertisment, etc. could highlight one of those things:
Beaches? We ve got your beaches.
[insert ad copy here]
New Jersey. We ve got yours.
Opera? We ve got your opera.
[insert ad copy here]
New Jersey. We ve got yours.
Higher education? We ve got your higher education.
[insert ad copy here]
New Jersey. We ve got yours.
You know what I mean. This baby is flexible.
My guess is that our governor is going to ignore this post. So if you re a governor of some competing state, say the State of Disneyland, I ll let you have my idea. Free. (Or maybe you can slide me some EZ Pass dollars. You know, help a buddy out.)
04 January, 2006 posted in In the News | Comments (7)
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Behind the Basement Door
How come you close the basement door whenever you go in the basement? Asketh the Wife-beast.
I m expecting strippers, answereth I.
02 January, 2006 posted in Tell Me a Story | Comments (0)
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Queer Eye for the Yellow Guy
It s an old controversy but a friend asked me to comment on it, so I will:
Illustration Stolen From BrandonReese.com
Is the yellow and adorably innocent cartoon character, SpongeBob Square Pants, gay? Is the goofy, abscent-minded starfish, Patrick, his homosexual lover? Does his classical music-loving, bubblebath-soaking co-worker and next-door neighbor, Squidward, take part in group homosexual sex with SpongeBob and Patrick? Do they touch each other s penises for pleasure? (Hey, don t get mad at me. In plain language, that is the controversy.) Are these three characters and those that create and produce their widely popular cartoon series secretly promoting a homosexual agenda ? Are those in the gay community infiltrating Nickelodeon and using the cable network to turn our children into homosexuals?
Of course they are.
Ahem.
02 January, 2006 posted in My Philospophy (more or less) | Comments (0)
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